Transactional Analysis: Understanding Communication Roles

Transactional Analysis (TA), developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne, is a simple way to understand why certain conversations with your young adult feel productive while others spiral into conflict. It describes how people move between three "ego states" during interactions.

The Three Ego States

  • Parent – Controlling, critical, or overly rescuing.
  • Adult – Grounded, rational, and curious.
  • Child – Reactive, emotional, rebellious, submissive, or playful.

Everyone shifts between these, but patterns become unhealthy when both people get pulled into roles that escalate conflict instead of creating connection.

Common Communication Traps

Parent–Child Trap

Parent: "Why haven't you done what your therapist asked? You never follow through."

Child: "You don't understand anything I'm dealing with!"

This dynamic quickly leads to defensiveness and shutdown. Both people are reacting instead of listening.

Adult–Adult Repair

Adult: "I'm curious how that session went. You mentioned it might bring some things up."

Adult: "It did. I didn't feel ready to talk much yet, but I think it helped."

In Adult–Adult mode, both people stay grounded in respect and curiosity, which makes honest conversation and repair possible.

How to Stay in the Adult State

  • Pause before responding, especially when emotions are high.
  • Ask yourself, "What is actually happening here?" instead of assuming intent.
  • Use neutral, factual language and stay curious.
  • Name your feelings calmly: "I feel concerned when communication drops off, and I want to stay connected in a way that works for both of us."
  • Check in with your family therapist when communication becomes confusing or stressful.

When Conflict Happens

  • Take a pause: "Let's take a break and come back to this when we're both settled."
  • Repair the moment: "I wish I had responded differently earlier."
  • Bring it into family therapy: These moments often create the best opportunities for long-term change.

Your voice matters—but so does your presence. Often it's not the specific words you choose, but the steadiness, curiosity, and compassion you bring to every interaction.